Incident #1: Bird-sized spider. After a nice, relaxin’ evenin’, Jen was on her way to bed. She encountered the biggest spider she had ever laid eyes upon. This rendered her speechless, but still rather vocal -- Laura immediately heard the screams. After realizin’ what was occurin’ Laura underwent a wrenchingly intense internal struggle (due to her intense dislike/fear/hatred of spiders paired up with her intense love of Jen) whereby she was led at last to peer through the door to come to Jen’s assistance. Sort of. Now first, Laura found it appropriate to advise Jen to get the Raid that had been gifted to the house so generously by our dear Echo friends Joe and Sarah.
The followin’ dialogue has been translated into Texan for your enjoyment and enrichment.
Jen: [unintelligible screams]
Kristi: [rousing from the first blinks of slumber]
Laura, interiorly: What in the blue blazes is goin’ on out there?
exteriorly: Jeeeeeennn? You okay?
Jen: There’s a giiiiiiiiant spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiider!!!!
Laura, expressin’ the profound wisdom that emanates from one tryin’ to avoid contact with said spiiiiider: GET THE RAID!
Jen: I CAIN’T! IT’S FIXIN’ TO EAT ME! (Please note that the spiiiider had located itself between Jen and the kitchen where the Raid dwells.)
Kristi: [chortles]
Jen: LAURA, HEEEEEELLLLLPPPPP MEEEEEE!
Laura, thinking frantically for a minute and relying on her well-developed, tried, and true method for bug-killin’ which involves sprayin’ them to death with available cleanin’ supplies, Here! I have some Windex! I’ll throw it to you.
Jen: YOU CAIN’T THROW IT TO ME! I CAIN’T CATCH!
Laura, hesitatin’, opens the door and takes two steps out of the bathroom. Seein’ the spiiiider, Laura begins to scream and quickly hands Jen the unnozzled Windex bottle. Which still sprayed, just not very effectively.
Jen: KRISTI! COME OUT HERE, YOU HAVE TO SEE THIS MOTHER EFFER! (please note that this has not been censored.)
Kristi, tickled to death and really wantin’ some sleep: I’m in bed already and I don’t have my contacts in any more. I ain’t comin’. (Jen thought this was a lame excuse...)
To herself: Dear diary, today, Jen and Laura tried to kill a bug by themselves.
Spider, drowning in Windex but still kickin’: Et tu, Brute?!
After slowin’ down the spider, Jen sprints and springs into the kitchen to procure the Raid. She unleashes the fury of the history of chemical engineering -- half a bottle’s worth -- into the immediate vicinity of the spiiiiider. Jen, thinkin’ she has defeated the spiiiiider, slows the stream of chemical.
Spider, in a pool of Raid, liftin’ itself higher like a Hun pops out of the snow (think Mulan, friends): NEEEVVVERRRRR! Giddyup!
(Jen and Laura would like our dear viewers to note that this photograph does not convey the size and incarnate horror of that there spider.)
Jen: Is it dead? Is it dead?
Laura, emergin’ fully from the bathroom, camera phone in hand: KEEEEEP SPRAYIN’!! JUST KEEP SPRAYIN’ IT!
Kristi, still observin’ from her bed but givin’ up on sleep for the time bein’. Internally: Just keep swimmin’, just keep swimmin’, what do we do? We swim, swim, swim!
Jen continues to spray as Laura’s quick thinkin’ takes her over to the substantial pile of magazines left behind by the landlord’s granddaughter. Choosin’ the biggest one, which happens to be InStyle, she proceeds to drop it onto the bird-sized spider, which means she drops it into a great lake of Raid. She returns to her room, hopin’ to avoid feelin’ the crunch of the dyin’ spiiiider, and places not two but one tennis shoe upon her foot. She stomps upon the magazine, spiiiider, and Raid lake and she did stay there for a minute or two.
Laura, internally: I want to make sure it’s really dead. If any spider’s gonna come back to life and kill us all, it’s this one.
Jen and Laura are then certain that the spider is dead. Kristi also feels that the spider is dead because she has a sense that much chemical weaponry has been deployed. Jen and Laura rest peacefully that night, letting the magazine, spiiiider corpse ,and Raid lake stew together in a hot mess of death for the rest of the night. A day passes.
Kristi, realizin’ that Joe is comin’ over and there is still a death stew on the floor: Dang-nab it, they killed the spiiiider but they left me a death stew to clean up.
The Spirit of Laura, who is not home: It is only just and necessary that Kristi should clean up the corpse because she did not partake in the death.
The Spirit of Jen: That’s tellin’ her how the cow ate the cabbage! (Translation for all our non-Texan viewers: You go, girl!)
Kristi disposes of the magazine and the spiiiiiider corpse. The Raid lake is much larger than she has anticipated, which necessitates the use of a rag. And then a swiffer. And a change of socks.
Giddyup.
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